Wednesday, July 26, 2006
*trying* to post...ha.
To leave the world behind and start anew.
The excitement fades, joy is left behind, and just the awful empty feeling remains. Deep in the pit of your stomach, a hollowed out spot of what might have been.
And yet, I really am looking forward to it all.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I'm just scared of what you think.
You make me nervous so I really can't eat.
You and I are not to blame, sometimes we just go insane.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Summertime, and the weather is...well.
I am a very clumsy person.
Now that we have that out of the way...the dreams have stopped. All the way. There was the week of the horrible nightmares that made me cry and haunted me all day and were like torture, but now the're gone. However, the've taken all of my normal dreams too. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping as well the last couple of days? That sort of thing could do it.
Summer is too lazy for me. Leafy and I were talking about it this afternoon when I came home from work and we were talking about what ms. ulin said to me the other day and my dreams and stuff. To finish a ba and a masters in 4 years? It's crazy talk, I know. But I think I would just get too frustrated not having class in the summertime. Like with this summer, I've really noticed that being home or just not having anything to do and no requirements and nothing to study for pretty much drives me batty. Especially when all of my usual distractions online have run their course and I'm left sitting here with nothing else to do but reach deep into my mind and play the self-hate game. We'll see if it's possible. And the living situation. I guess it depends on how the next couple of months go.
I get nervous that the dreams I have are too big. And there are a lot of them (like having totoro at my wedding) that I know most likely will never happen. But that's alright. A bachelors and a masters before I'm 21? Definetly up there on the crazy list. But maybe I can do it. We'll see how long this positive streak lasts.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
"I'm your hell, I'm your dream..."
Alone, asleep, but there are voices around me.
Laying down on something nice, a couch, focusing on the four white walls around me.
There's a picture, some anime? on the wall, over the fireplace. It's fallen, there are grey foamy sticky things on each corner, but the part that was supposed to stick to the wall has come off...
Another voice, in the doorway behind me, yelling at me to come and eat. I refuse, still trying to put the picture back up somehow.
Nothing works, feeling strangely sleepy again. More yelling. Stuck in the middle and so confused. Walking slowly into the other room.
Friends, and I only recognize a couple people. Some meeting room with a long table with grey rolling office chairs around it. No food, but everyone is eating. Standing there, nowhere to sit. There's another picture, this one has fallen too. Boy is trying to put it back up, but it's just like the other one. Nothing works.
Girls are talking to me about something, the're excited, but I can't understand what the're saying. They feel so happy and it makes me feel wrong to be feeling so sad and confused by this point.
Everyone else is done eating, the table is clean, and everyone leaves but the girls and the boy. The girls and I are still talking about something, but the boy just stares at me. So cold. And still so confused about what I did wrong, even though inside I seem to know.
Girls leave, and the boy keeps lookig at me before finally leaving. I want to call out and chase after him, but
He's already gone. My voice is useless.
In the first room again, on the couch, so weak feeling, like I'm passing out. More people yelling. The same voice from before, but I can see who it is now.
Going into the other room, but it's just the boy now. Still no words from him. Without words from either one of us I can feel the pain so much that it's still there hours later.
Stuck wandering around between the two rooms, still trying to put the pictures up.
The phone rings.
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