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Sunday, January 23, 2005
A little on the long side...
So. I was checking my email when I read this...hee. I had to share more of omi's wisdom. A little on the long side, but...nothing you guys can't handle.
Disclaimer: his opinion, not nessicarily mine =P
Love at First Sight: A Romantic but Harmful Myth
Omar's opinion of why and how relationships are formed.
Call me jaded, call me cynical, call me whatever, but I do believe my logic has merit and reason.
Why are relationships formed? Well, of course, to understand why relationships are formed one must have been in a relationship at one time, and then been out of one. Its a lonely world out there. People want a companion to share their feelings and experiences with. As people become more trusting of each other, find that they have more in common than previously thought, and begin to have deeper conversations, they become more mentally intimate. This may then lead to physical intimacy with the term "love" being exchanged before, after, or during this process. Thus, with time, shared thoughts, exchanges, experiences, altruistic care, and mutual companionship, love develops (at times only one person feels these things, while another may not feel such a strong connection, but rather, infatuation. Their emotions are based solely on the need for physical intimacy and satisfaction as well as a respite from loneliness.)
Value of "true love" as opposed to the mythical love (ie. love at first sight, romance based love, neediness, infatuation)
Wouldn't life be simple if we could all be happy with our first love? Not that some people don't end up finding that the first person they become involved with happens to be the same person their growing old with, but a many of us have been in several relationships and there are those who never find the right person. This is a sad, but very true story. The idea that there is someone for everyone is a myth, for if it was true, we wouldn't have as many homeless, we probably wouldn't have social outcasts, and we probably wouldn't have as many suicides. The United States has a fifty percent divorce rate as our culture changes along with the definition of marriage and what love is.
Is change something to be feared? I sincerely don't think so. The fact that more homosexual men and women are coming out shows no change in their behavior, but rather, a change in how honest people are becoming with themselves. It shows the changing nature and expectations of what is required in a relationship, that is, mutual respect, understanding, and egalitarian companionship, with a blurring of dominant and subordinate roles between couples (though one person in a relationship, often one who is thought of as more "masculine" seems more likely to dominate the relationship, but one must also include age, emotional experience, and maturity)
The fact that people are being more honest with themselves is a good thing, but it can be disruptive when someone finally finds out who they are in the middle of a relationship and finds that the reason why they may be discontent or miserable is because that person and their companion have nothing in common and are unable to cooperate. I've often heard it said, that if you love yourself, you'll be ready to love someone else. However, I think someone needs to do one more thing before loving someone else. You must, as the ancient saying goes, "Know thy self." Relationships based solely on appearances will eventually fall apart, because what happens when that beautiful man or woman's other habits become irritating and there is increased bickering? What happens when one person's looks change for the worst? What does someone do when their angel refuses to share experiences like a football game or a concert with them (not that people should end their relationships over something as trivial as arguing over where to go for a date). What happens after one finds that they want to leave their mate to fend for themselves whenever that person acts a certain way? Worst of all, how do you excuse using the infamous "L" word repeatedly, and then suddenly cutting the relationship off? You save a lot of hurt simply by knowing who you and taking your time with a relationship before getting too, dare I say it, romantically involved.
I know its hard to wait to burst out saying "I love you" before very long. In a world where "You're nobody 'til somebody loves you," there is lots of pressure on those who are single to find someone. There are people who make lots of money off of those who use online dating sources that sometimes work, and other times, don't work so well. In the movies we see, we are told that only the losers, the villains end up alone, while most, if not all of the heroes find someone to love. We diet, we buy certain clothes, we do certain things with our skin and hair to impress a member of whatever sex we're attracted to.
We are given double messages. We are told that its biologically normal and natural to find a mate and reproduce and raise a family. At the same time we're shown all the merits and fun of single life and fun, free love relationships, and all of the pleasures of life are encouraged, as long as its with people who we are told are beautiful and as long as its the way we're told to enjoy it.
Some of us confuse fantasy and reality. Once again, that's not always the way things work. If you happen to be unattractive compared to the model in the magazine, chances are you'll be without someone to call your sweetheart for longer periods of time. If you happen to act or behave in a way that society hasn't deemed mature or normal, you might be alone. If you happen to have certain opinions, and happen to feel very strongly about those opinions, you might be alone. All of these things come down to the idea that if you're looking for someone who matches your personality and wants, unless you find someone who is as compatible with you as possible, you'll be alone. However, most people with very high standards don't mind being alone as long as their not miserable in the long run.
Usually, people who are looking for something specific, must know what they want in a person. People who are looking for someone with certain ideas, perhaps even certain looks (however superficial that person may be), at least know who they are looking for and know who to avoid. Looking for someone, who you can share ideas and opinions with, is a start. The best way of making it last, is not having personalities that are completely congruent, but personalities that are both open, accepting, and patient. Even a couple who is almost identical in opinion may fall apart if they lack the patience to listen to their partner's thoughts. Even if a partner's opinions change, because people do change, the relationship could easily go on. Just because the love of your life goes from being a democrat to a republican or a conservative to a liberal doesn't mean that you stopped having something in common, because if you really love that person, you'll be able to talk without prejudice, but rather, with the ability to agree to disagree, and even allow yourselves to poke fun. Its about being able to really listen without interrupting, and actually being able to respect someone else's opinions. That may very well be what helps couples to last for a long time.
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