Recent Event?
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Winter Break
So. I should be happy, right? no stress, no work, no commitments, just two weeks to relax, hang out, and do whatever i want. But then comming home tonight with grandma after watching a series of unfortunate events (good movie btw! so cute ^^) ...i just got hit with a huge wave of...loneliness? emptyness? going home to the house with nothing to do but sit infront of the computer, put on my headphones, turn up the music, and loose myself in cyberspace. lol. doing what i do every night when procrastinating suddenly seems so...stupid? pointless. idiotic. and lonely. a lot of the time i feel like i fail at the friendship thing. i'm bad at calling, bad at doing things together...there are so many times where i just feel like sitting in my room and being lonely instead. mostly i want to go out driving to somewhere by myself with the music up loud and just drive on and on and on. too bad it's not quite possible on maui. maybe after i move to the mainland, yeah? just hop on the freeway and drive until i can cry it all out. haven't i been dreaming this same dream since 7th grade? no matter what happens, i always come back to it. for the most part, i've lost what i had of my mental safe space except for the hammock...and the driving dream. i guess it's more like an old friend then a dream. something i can imagine every detail of even though i've never done it. i know exactly how it's going to feel for me. it's like wearing my favorite sweater or curling up under my comforter. it's a safe place. too bad i can't go there.
at least this kind of sadness is better than when i beat up on myself about stuff. this is just cold and empty. i guess ever since i watched eternal sunshine of the spotlesss mind last night (ooh ^^! sooo good btw ^^) i feel weird. like i'm looking for something that i don't have. but i should know better. things have been way too good for way too long for me to not feel this way. it's taken me almost an hour to get this far and i still don't feel any better. i'm not sad enough to cry, not angry enough to rant, not happy enough to smile...just...empty. anyone still remember the hole? this is it. i wish i had my house of leaves book to quote right now. a quote from the dear poe will have to do, won't it? "So this is what it's like living in limbo/ first i'm high, then i'm solo" (Poe ~ Wild).
and i suppose in accomplishing nothing then i've at least done what i came here to do.
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Hotaru
Coff
Ashton
Pearl
Star
Terra
Alli-poo!
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