Recent Event?
Saturday, May 11, 2002
well.....
well it's over and passed, and now my 'rents are free from all that work...(well, only sorta...the're still there right now working =/)..i was so worried about them today...they we're always working for someone who didn't show up, or for someone on break, or running around keeping everyone calm, or doing amazing things that most people don't think are possible by normal people because of their lack of understanding...everyone's lack of understanding...my lack of understanding...my lack of self esteem....
anyway....my post isn't really about craft fair, just because i've been standing and working on it all day, so it's not really welcome in my life at the moment.....my post is really more about getting a seprate private, password procected blog or something....do you guys think i should...? because first of all, no one reads most of my blog...2nd, because it would keep me so much safer and do something better for me than throw ice cubes at shower walls....3rd, i could write everything that i want to say, that in here i can't because for some reason i've decided to edit myself and i won't allow myself to type what i want to type....eh, maybe i just need to accept things about myself, and stop lying to myself about what i feel inside and how i should feel and how well i'm keeping up my mask, and how well i'm putting down my mask, and.....damn, phone rang....there went my thoughts.
.....but on to a new one....wtf has happed to me...? i used to do so fucking well in math....and now i got a 31/45 on a damn erb (standerdized test form)? yeah, so what if the highest grade was a 35/45, and it's going to be a curve grade....it still means i'm not good enough...i'll never get honors classes like this...even if i don't need them for what i want to do in college....i'm set with bio honors and spanish 2 honors....but i don't give a shit about either of those classes...i can get an a in those classes when i'm mostly asleep half the class, and i don 't know how the hell i can do so well in the classes that i don't need at all! ....i don't like being forced into this school by my rents..i don't like not having a choice of where i would like to go to school...why do they insist on paying more for an education that i'll only half use....but you know, it makes them happy, and since i can't do that with my grades (well, the're happy with them, but i'm not) and i can't show my real persona around them, i might as well pull through with this for them...if only to see them happy...but they never seem to be anymore....they wern't really happy when i was little either...they would yell a lot more..not always at each other, mostly about the buisness, but.....but still....i shouldn't complain. i have a really good life, and i should understand my parents point of view so i understand why they are/are not happy with me and so then i can fix that....but even when i do something pretty amazing i've found out that it usually dosn't make them happy...so i stop telling them, and then they don't ask, and then....well, we've drifted even farther apart once agian...it's not like i even get to see them that often anyway....i see my mom...maybe, 3-4 times a day and i see my dad 1-2 times a day when he's not super busy with work....it's all about the work for them...they don't even really like to leave the house or else they get too behind on the work....and because of that they never have any fun...i wish i could make it better for them, i really really do...i care about them a lot...i understand that i can't make them happy all the time, and i can't fix really anything for them...but damn...trying to make them happy makes me feel a bunch less like a fuck up....neh.....
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