Recent Event?
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
well....so.....
this week is going to be long....i've been dragging myself through the first two days, and i'm not holding out much hope at all for the rest of the week....i don't know why, but i've been really sad....not stressed mind you, i can mostly handel all of the work i'm gonna have to do this month, but sad.....like back in the days when i was cutting my arm and just about anywhere where people wouldn't see....lol, i learned that people are pretty curious, so i also learned to hide everything...well, hide everything better than i had been doing....i think it's just because it's almost been a year since i started cutting...(all the way back in the beginning of april....i've stopped now, but some of the lines are still there....)...so around this time i get reminded of everything that i felt then...every emotion, every movement, every thought i had about ending it or just hacking my body apart with my little wallpaper cutter...my coping skills wern't there.....and even now they don't show themselves very often....i'm feeling better, but still....it's hard to be really happy...i can be hyper, yeah, and i pass that off as being happy, but it's not the same....now that i've been happy a few times, like really truly happy....i want to feel that agian, i want to be like that all the time....i know that's how i should feel all the time, but i just can't seem to be that way.....maybe i'm just too attached to my mask to let myself go and feel how i want to feel....? i'm getting better about it, but most of the time....i have to keep it up, i don't want to know how school would feel without it, i don't want to really know how life would feel without it, and i just want to be able to keep the mirage up for just a little longer, maybe i'll be able to end school without it, maybe i'll be able to let my mask drop sooner than later....finally be able to show how i really feel, to show what i really think, and live up to my full potential....get better grades, stay off my dear healing internet more, use that stuff that's up in my head and put it to use....but all that's still a dream, i've got my mask held tight onto my face and once agian, i'm not working on my homework when i should be....dammit, why can't i do this....i know i can, but something is stopping me...
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Hotaru
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Ashton
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Alli-poo!
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