Recent Event?
Monday, April 22, 2002
and sometimes i wish i could just vanish once and for all......
....i wish they would stop it....i hear what they say to me, i hear the questions that they ask me, and it's not like they have to hurt me just with the questions that they ask, but they have to hurt me with the awnser too...and they make it even worse without knowing it when i don't know the awnser, when i don't know what i should say...i know the truth behind it, but i have to work between what the truth is, what i "should" say to keep my image up, and what the 'rents think to keep up that part of my mask...you know, i thought it would be an easy question to awnser...."do you cut yourself for pleasure?" ...well what my brain said right away was "i don't even cut myself anymore you (insert curse of choice in language of choice here)....but i know they don't care what i say to them...so then the truth comes up into my mind...and dammit, after a day of not allowing yourself to feel to keep yourself in check, an afternoon of floating into some music (and that would usually set everything perfectly back into place...but it sorta made things worse....) and an evening of being nervous at first (band concert...i play french horn...we had to perform infront of 500+ people) then feeling like you'll never belong because you don't believe what everyone else believes (....i don't know how to explain what happened there...) and then having a really long deep talk about how i used to feel (why i ....wore my mask, hid everything from everyone, why i cut myself up, ect.)....that question just sent me into that place where i have to pretend that i'm ok to everyone for awhile, until i can get back into my room and curl up and hide from all the world.... and i haven't had to protect myself like that for awhile, i used to be safe just wearing my mask that no one could break through, and no one would know anything about how i really was...and now i'm learning how to be a little bit more normal and not have to be constantly ready to protect myself, i'm even starting to get to the point where i can act myself around my friends....someday i'll never have to wear my mask....but why did they ask anyway, those b*tches...oh well, i don't need to worry about it, they don't even know what really has happened or how i feel about anything, and i care nothing about them, because if i was strong enough to survive before, i can do it now....
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Alli-poo!
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